October 25, 2025 Whenever I feel negative

Whenever I feel negative, I record the thoughts that arise in those moments. Only the negative version of me feels like the real me. Because of VRChat, I’ve improved my ability to express myself. But I’ve also encountered more sad things (not in VRChat). I’ve come to understand myself better, yet I feel it’s too late to realize these things. Is R_s-san someone I can talk to about personal matters? I’ve actually shared my inner thoughts with him a few times, and even showed him what I had recorded. Perhaps at the time, he didn’t know how to respond to my inner struggles. It’s always late at night, when I can’t sleep, that negative emotions arise. Only then do I truly understand myself. Maybe it’s because I suppressed things for too long in the past that now it’s hard for me to express emotions directly. I once tried to express emotions to my “Sugar,” but I couldn’t get them out. It felt like people would say I was cold-blooded. I can only express my true emotions in private. Am I experiencing “emotional expression disorder”? My emotions seem to only be sadness, melancholy, and tears. Even when casually playing with friends, and they say “just play casually, don’t take it too seriously,” I still feel uncomfortable, unhappy. So it turns out—I’m still insecure. Maybe it’s because of my insecurity that I don’t dare to chat with my first group of VRChat friends. Even if I pull off a five-kill highlight, I might not feel joy—I still feel insecure. Why don’t I try telling my Sugar or my friends when I suddenly feel negative emotions? They have their own things to deal with too. If I keep telling them, it might overwhelm them— just like what happened in my past. But expressing myself here, where they can see it, is also a way. I think I’ve realized something: what I want is simply to have many emotions, and for someone to just listen to me talk about things. (Because in that process, I come to understand myself.) It’s fine if you’re not someone who comforts me. If possible, you can give me some opinions. If not, that’s okay too. But when the roles are reversed, I feel I must say something, instead of only listening— even if they say, “You can just listen to me.” In fact, many people only listen to me, and in that process, I come to understand myself— suddenly enlightened. By Copilot translate