# October 23, 2019 Negative Post-57

October 23, 2019

I did indeed bring trouble upon myself. I'm afraid to engage with others, continuously avoiding social interactions. On the surface, I pretend everything is fine, but internally, I'm vigilant and uneasy, constantly closing off my emotions. Crying, for me, is a silent cry, and I'm unsure whether it's related to the environment I grew up in, having faced imperfect expressions that led to domestic violence. Even in school, I experienced being looked down upon and bullied, further reinforcing my silent crying, a practice I developed to the point where crying out loud has become difficult.

I thought things would improve when I entered high school, but my struggle with expressing myself persisted. I became reserved and withdrew from conversations. This tendency persisted when I started working in the food and beverage industry. Despite working multiple jobs in the field, my introverted nature, coupled with misunderstandings from fellow bikers last year, led me to further isolate myself. I believed it was my fault, and I became convinced that avoiding communication and expression would keep me out of trouble.

Even when I did try to communicate, my lack of emotional expression and limited vocabulary made it difficult for me to understand others, and vice versa. If our ideologies were similar, expressing myself slightly better might result in cold responses at best or, at worst, misunderstandings due to my inadequate expression.

When I am in a state of deep emotional distress, I resort to using text to document my feelings. During such times, I avoid mirrors, prefer not to speak, and only use text to communicate. I answer phone calls casually, lie in bed, or huddle in front of the computer. When alone at home, I might sob quietly, as I find it hard to express myself under these emotional circumstances.

Normally, I avoid expressing myself in such emotional states unless I am alone at home. However, during these moments, I also face difficulties in communication. I feel that sharing these thoughts during a job interview, for instance, might not be well-received. They might think, "Why are you telling me this? You're here for a job interview, not to see a psychologist."

October 23, 2019, 11:45 PM\
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By ChatGPT translate
