# October 1, 2018 Negative Post-1

October 1, 2018:

I have serious doubts about whether I've developed depression. Since the fallout with my motorcycle friends, my emotions have been unstable. I feel guilty about everything I do. Even before this, I offended many people, but those were issues from my childhood . I've lived a stressful life since birth, with my mother being too occupied to teach me, and I had to learn a lot on my own. However, when it comes to communication, I still have problems. Being bullied from a young age has made me afraid to communicate with others, and I'm now afraid to do many things. I've become quite thin, and though I talk about finding a job or changing jobs, I haven't taken any action. I wonder if my emotions are affecting me. I haven't reached the point of contemplating suicide or excessively drinking. I use coffee mixed with alcohol, but it's not excessive. Maybe I haven't thought about suicide because I have a mission: riding a motorcycle .Having my own motorcycle that I can ride might change things. After obtaining it, I might act more recklessly.

I find my taste in food and drink becoming bland. My emotions shifted at a particular moment. Nowadays, I sit in front of the computer with a blanket, not because I'm cold but because it provides psychological comfort. If I don't cover myself, I feel uneasy. I don't want my mother to know about my emotions. A few days ago, she saw that I had lost weight, and she cried. If she knew about my emotional state, she wouldn't just cry; I wouldn't be able to pass through the challenges of a genuine family life. I've been living in rental housing since childhood, and my mother is a single parent who had me out of wedlock. Thankfully, she's not in Tainan now; otherwise, knowing about my emotional state would greatly distress her.

On October 1, 2018, I've seen many people similar to me, but I usually divert their attention and continue my descent into emotional turmoil. In essence, I'm skilled at playing a role to help others without attracting attention to myself. My emotions have been low since then, and to simplify, I'm good at pretending not to need someone to accompany me while deep down, I do. This is a defense mechanism because I fear hurting those who accompany me due to my communication problems . Even I have this kind of defense mechanism. I often need someone to accompany me, but I end up being alone. It's very contradictory. Because I fear causing harm to the people accompanying me, this is a psychological defense mechanism. Even I have it. I might say I don't need it, but deep down, I do. I need to speak up because of my communication issues. When I say things that hurt people, I'm often oblivious. This attitude has developed because I 've been hurt so many times.

I haven't attended kindergarten and started formal education in the first grade. I still remember what my mother said, which led to me being bullied without retaliation because I absorbed it myself. I was bullied continuously until junior high because people saw I had a learning disability. I've recently been drawing to express my emotions. In the two drawings, there's a clear absence of eye contact, indicating that I hide my emotions and don't want people to see them. Only when I'm alone do I express them. Tears represent the tears shed from the moment I was born till now due to enduring difficulties. I don't get angry due to emotions; I only feel guilty. I have a good temper, but I blame myself. I still remember when a motorcycle friend offered to ride an R3 to take me, but due to psychological defense mechanisms, I declined.\
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